Journal: Morning 12 Sep 2017

There was a point in my life that I was sporadic and crazy and down for whatever at the spur of a moment.  The above picture is proof of that.  Coney Island, NY.  It was the day they were closing a lot of the area down to allow for another homogenized high rise to go in.  My daughter and I found ourselves there to document the event, to take picture-memories and to have fun.  She egged me to jump crazily from a bench (there are other silly photos but this one tops them all) and she would take my action shot.  This photo is the result of that adventure.  We laughed until we cried and had evidence of a memory shared.

When Ma died in 2010, a little piece of me fell off.  She and I had a rocky (at best) relationship.  But I loved her immensely and her passing left a gap in my life that would never be filled.  I moved home, leaving behind the one place that I felt understood me and my idiosyncrasies. Since then I took care of my Dad who had a horrible temper suddenly and a vague recollection of his memories, we had a few years of a resurgence in his health and then I lost Dad.  That has taken a serious toll on me, losing Dad.  I had a partial hysterectomy with bad consequence and the very next (this) year I had another surgery to remove the remaining ovary with yet more horrible consequence. In between all of that I have done some amazing things but I have had trouble fighting being sad or tired or down.

It reminds me of when I was a little kid at the ocean.  There was this one time I fell down and the raft floated over me.  The waves kept coming and my little body spun in the surf.  For a little kid, that was terrorizing and seemingly the end of the world, seeing flashes of colors and not being able to get my feet under me.  Truth be known, all I had to do was stand up.  The water was probably less than two feet deep.  But my perspective of it, in the moment, was insurmountable.  I stood up, Ma brushed me off and I went about my merriment but remained leery of the water for years after that event.

So that brings me to today.

I haven’t read a book in like a year.

I have not picked up my camera to take pictures in who knows how long.

I have not truly fully involved myself in anything.

I am blue.

I have not been exercising.

Self-frustrations are numerous on my list of improvements needed.

Now, in my defense, some of that was because of the most recent surgery that upended my well-being for a number of weeks.  But that time has passed and I have no real excuse now.

Now, I am kind of like the little kid version of me in the ocean.  I just need to stand her up and let her get a better perspective.

I miss the old me and today I realize that I want to find where she went.  Sure, the old version of me will be leery for whatever reason, just like the little kid me from decades ago.  But she will be glad to be out of the surf and finding merriment.

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