Journal: Evening March 31, 2018

So this week offered me more insight into my own personal history than I would have ever thought possible. I created a personal timeline of my first four years (starting just before my birth).  There are a number of things I still need to research. A ton of things that I had been given misinformation on by Ma.

I am looking forward to actually going to the Raleigh County courthouse and pulling old records. I have never done something like that before and I know it is a big part of genealogical research.  That was the big highlight of this bit of digging.

Nau and I will head to the state capitol because they have an archive that is supposed to be amazing.  There I plan on researching Husband’s line (his family is from the county the capitol is located within).  I have picked up a DNA test for him and we will send it out Monday.  I am looking forward to staring at information for a tree other than my own for a little while.

I am still mad at Ma.   This week was a matter of putting readily available puzzle pieces together and having an AHA! moment.   I have compartmentalized a number of issues that created conflict between Ma and me.  I have been writing some stuff down that I will keep private.  I have been working on some things that I may post about. It has been an experience, to say the least. There is a reason I moved over ten hours away from her – it allowed me to keep her at arm’s length and maintain a relationship with her.  Up close was near impossible.

My de-compartmentalized thoughts that are now all laid out on a virtual table in my mind.  They are being turned over…reexamined…remembered.  I try to move them aside and they keep revealing memories to me that I had forgotten, those on the back shelf of my mind.

It is truly difficult to be mad at someone who is dead, who cannot answer the questions I have, who cannot hear me when I talk to her (which has been a lot this week).

It is a process. I know this.

I am just glad that the weather is turning to the warmer side of things. Wintertime blues AND dealing with startling revelations may have proven too much for me.

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