Journal: Morning 15 Sep 2017

I miss my Pawpaw.  All of this research on my family’s ancestry and reading about where his parents came from has brought him to the forefront of my brain.  I cite him as a large factor in who I am today.  He was a very “take no shit off people who have nothing better to do than fling shit your way” kinda guy.  I wish I could have had him in my life beyond my High School years.  I am sure he could have offered insight unlike everyone else.

I am also a little mad at Ma.  There are some things in her personal history that I have found that are directly related to me, who I am, and I have no way (now that she is gone) to find out what her rationale was.

I can remember (as a young person) Ma telling me a story (to reinforce my love of her and disdain for my birth father) about having a miscarriage (the year? after I was born) and then trying to overdose on baby aspirin.  As an adult, I wish I had revisited that conversation before 2010, just to ask why and where did I play into what she thought the outcome of that would be.

That is the bad/sad/mad stuff.  I have found PLENTY of happy things looking to the past.

Have you ever been frustrated (in retrospect) with people who have passed away?  Did you ever find resolution?


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