There are times in your life that you will deal with things that are bigger than you. You cannot circumvent them. You cannot ask someone else to carry the emotions for you. You live through them and come out the other side either a better person or broken. To get you through those things, you have to have inner strength.
There were several instances, while Daddy had failing health, that I had doubts in myself. Was I doing the right things? Was I asking the right questions? Was I too stern? Was I not stern enough? Every time I would ask myself, is this decision coming from a place of love? It always was, but sometimes I needed to remind myself. That question and answer within myself would set my resolve for whatever task was currently at hand.
He was at Ruby Memorial when the doctors told us that he didn’t have much longer with us and that we should make arrangements. A conversation had to be had with him.
I will never know where I found the inner strength to have that conversation. In the end I did not tell him that death was near, just that he had to come home with me. He told me that he was going to miss his home.
I came out the other side slightly changed. Not fully broken, just slightly.
They tell you it gets easier with time. That is a lie. I will not tell you that. I just hope that one day it is easier to process when certain days on the calendar come around. On those days, I choose to look at a picture of my Parents, sharing a moment, in a healthier and happier time.