They say mourning takes one year and one day
Today is the anniversary of my Ma’s death. Hopefully tomorrow I will feel better?
I still try to cope by compartmentalizing the fact that she is gone. There are days when I feel I have not given her the proper amount of mourning. There are other days when it rushes upon me and I drown in a sea of saddness. This was a year of “firsts”. Every holiday saw tears. When asked, my answer was: “This is the first (insert holiday) without my Ma.” This year I guess it will be “I just miss my Ma”.
When I was about six, my Ma took me to the grocery store where the IGA is now behind Bank One. The world was so big, I was so small, my Ma was so rushed. During the process of packing the groceries I wandered away a little. Soon I realized that the car was gone, Ma was gone, I was alone. I sat on the bench in front of the store, lost. Was she teaching me a lesson or did she really forget me? No one will ever know. But that overwhelming sense of “gone” is something that I remember today as clearly as the day it happened some thirty five years ago – that same feeling of “gone” and “lost” echoes in my heart today.
She was a firecracker, a pistol, a mean old broad. She had a temper, an interesting wit. She had a fierce love for her family. She kept me on my toes every day.
I love you Ma. Sunflower misses you so much.
If there is one bit of advice I could give you today, those of you with parents still with you, it is this:
Journal their stories, take lots of pictures and do everything you can to get video – it is her voice I miss the most. It is her voice that is still on my Daddy’s answering machine, “This is Paul and Beckie…”.