I normally do “self writing” in my paragraphs while telling a story in my chapters. I am switching it up today because my “self writing” is going to take a little more than just a couple of lines. Today I want to talk about friendships.
I do not have many friends. I have been that way since I was a teenager. Fine with it, too. I hate talking on the phone. People bore me. I am consistently distracted if not interested. I cannot tolerate an ignorant person (that does not mean educated, there are levels of ignorance.) But, if you worm your way into my heart, I am loyal AF. I can count my true friends on two hands, might even have one or two fingers to spare (probably the middle ones at least).
So, back to the loyalty thing – at what point do you realize that your loyalty was the glue that held a friendship together? I have done the “let it go” mantra as one of my 48’s. It is one of the hardest on the list to do every week. But, let it go I have. And I hope to work toward letting this person go completely out of my life by the end of my 48 journey. It is the healthy thing to do. But the echo of their friendship and my stupid loyalty sometimes clouds my judgement.
See, there was this friend who fell off, who pointed the finger at me when she stalled our friendship, who was snarky when I stayed with the people who returned the loyalty I showed them. See, I had a friend. She was one of the top two, actually. I called her. I texted her. I messaged her. I made sure she was good, that things were right with her. I drove to see her. I took the train to see her. I stood up for her professionally. I was there, numerous times, numerous reasons. When I “go to you” all the time, eventually I am going to die off. It is like exhaling. You can breathe out, but eventually that breath comes to an end – you can try to force more air out, at the expense of pain in your chest, but soon you realize you have to breathe in fresh again and move on. And there have been several breaths taken since that realization. And now…now you want to be snarky with me. You see, I HAD this friend…
She was there this one time that was truly important to me. One time. It was a time that I needed someone and she showed up, unexpected – so UNLIKE her. And I have let that one time carry her through forgetting to tell me she was not coming to my wedding until two days before I flew across the country for the ceremony. For not staying in contact while I made plans for all of my friends while trying to include her. For throwing the onus on me that I did not tell her a date and then when I sent her the screenshot of my telling her said date, threw the onus again that I should have reminded her because she was busy. As if I was not.
We are all busy. We are all busy but we make sure that the people who matter to us are aware that they matter.
Like when my husband had two surgeries on both of his legs. All of the issues that surrounded that terrified me and worried me to no end. You know who reached out to me? The ones I count on those fingers mentioned above.
Like when I struggled with my Daddy’s loss of memory, recaptured memory and then constant forgetfulness. When I thought he would not come home from the nursing home and felt like a failure. You know who lifted me up during those times? The ones I still count on my fingers.
Like when I had major surgery last year and it was worse than originally thought. Then I was terrified. I felt lost and alone and was not myself. You know who reached out to me to remind me who I was? The ones I count on those fingers today.
Like when my Daddy died a few months ago and my heart ripped in half. Then I was lost, without either parent. You know who reached out to me? The ones I count on those fingers tonight.
Let’s go even smaller, like when my birthday passed without a single thought from her expressed to me on that day. You know who wished me a happy birthday? Do you see the pattern here…?
And then she sees pictures of me with one of the people who is counted on one of those fingers, and she is snarky.
Had you made your presence known, your absence would have been felt more.
Had you been loyal AF to me in return I would not be writing this chapter right now.
Had the scales of friendship been equally balanced in love, concern, happiness, worry – well, you wouldn’t have fallen off, now would you?
I am angry. This is not a let it go moment. It is a moment of just being pissed about her attitude.
And, because I am an asshole, tonight I remove her ability to comment on anything on my social media. I will not defriend her, as yet. Because that will leave her the last opportunity to reach out to me through a text or messenger to make contact with me in a substantive way, not with a snark remark. If she wants to creep on my happiness, then so be it. But she does not get to attempt to taint anything because she is spoiled and having a pity party. And, like I said, by the end of the 48’s I hope to be strong enough to just cut the strings that bind.
If the only time you reach out to me is to cut me while I am happy and you feel spurned and never to lift me up when I need you, then why in the fuck would I keep you in my life on any level, even the peripheral?
Categories: Personal History / My Own Words