What’s One More Scar, Right?

stairs

At a little after three AM this morning I found myself looking over my shoulder as I walked down a street in Brooklyn between 5th and 6th Avenues.  I looked at a man who watched me walk away and did nothing to stop me.

This morning I sit here and think over my life, the choices I made and the destinations those choices brought me to.  I think of all the cliche movies and the lines one can pull from them to liken the emotional turmoil to something less threatening.  The funny thing for me is that the movie that comes to mind is Forest Gump, in particular the character of Lt. Dan, the poor guy who was missing his legs.  He had a beef with God because he felt as if God shit on him and on his life.  His resolve was found at the top of a mast, in a driving storm, daring the lightning (and God) to strike him.  He came out on the other side whole and better.  I feel that way about love.  Unfortunately for me, I do not feel as if I have ever come out on the other side as whole and better.  I sit at the top of that mast and dare the lightning to strike and strike it has and whole I am not.

I’m not a smart man…but I do know what love is.

Love takes effort, not work.  Love is allowing yourself the potential of hurt because you believe the other person is worth it, even after they hurt you.  Love is standing in the rain, allowing the sins of your past to be washed free as you turn your face to the sky and let your defenses down.  Love is a luxury that should be left to fools and poets.

I sometimes think that the surface area of my heart must be enormous because the scars there are numerous…some deep, some shallow, some which ache more on a particular day…all in a new spot, never overlapping.  I have asked myself why I allow it on more than one occasion.  Hell, I am asking that question right now as I sit in my living room, with my wet hair in a towel and my eyes puffy from the lack of sleep and the plenitude of tears.  The answer does not come, it never comes.

We have been spoon fed ideals though literature, cinema and the media.  We have a picture in our head of what love is supposed to look like and how we are supposed to find it and what we will feel whenever we have it in our grasp.  But I have never encountered one person who has had it fall into place just as depicted in some cheesy film.  I think of my Grandparents, separated in life only by death.  I think of their fifty plus years of marriage and the love they had for each other.  THAT is the fairytale that I want.  The real one.  The one that has eluded me.  I want to grow old with someone I can tolerate, someone who understands me, who can tolerate me and all of my shortcomings.  I want to smile across the table to a man who knows me, who sees me and who loves me anyway.

But this morning, more than any other that has come before, I feel that my resilience is fading and that recovery will be harder and cynicism is peaking.

Here I am, at a crossroads and am directionally challenged.

Sigh.

Categories: Personal History / My Own Words

Tagged as:

2 replies »

    • The day I wrote that blog was a very painful day. I find that I expect more as I get older and am disappointed that other people are so careless with themselves and with others.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Follow Thoughts and Ponderances on WordPress.com

Archives

Blogs I Follow

Chelle’s Twitter

Franklenstein

Frank book reviews

The Wild Ramp

Local Foods, Local Values

The Elliptical Saloon

Weblog for WhiteHouseMuseum.org

Stories by Jake Fuentes on Medium

The Adventures Of Chelle

Stories by Yonatan Zunger on Medium

The Adventures Of Chelle

Books – Nerdist

The Adventures Of Chelle

Broken Light: A Photography Collective

We are photographers living with or affected by mental illness; supporting each other one photograph at a time. Join our community, submit today!

Appalachian Magazine

The Adventures Of Chelle

Beyond the Edge

National Geographic Adventure Blog

The Plate

| Serving Daily Discussions on Food | National Geographic

Phenomena

A science salon

A Change of Tune

The Adventures Of Chelle

Barnes & Noble Reads

The Adventures Of Chelle

Omnivoracious

The Adventures Of Chelle

A Little Blog of Books

Book reviews and other literary-related musings

Books blog | The Guardian

The Adventures Of Chelle

Love and Lemons

The Adventures Of Chelle

Outdoor Photographer

The Adventures Of Chelle

Eureka! Tent Blog

The Adventures Of Chelle

Beyond the Campsite

Clean Camp; New Journeys

Run, Selfie, Repeat

The Adventures Of Chelle

Lazy Girl Running

The Adventures Of Chelle

THAT BACKPACKER

The Adventures Of Chelle

Nomadic Matt's Travel Site

The Adventures Of Chelle

The Sidewalk

•A Sustainable Paper•

cractpot.wordpress.com/

We're all a little mad here

insatiabletravelerdotcom1.wordpress.com/

World Travel | Award-winning Photography| Inspiration | Tips

Nerdy Book Club

A community of readers

TED Blog

The TED Blog shares interesting news about TED, TED Talks video, the TED Prize and more.

Lens Cap

Casual glimpes into mundane suburbia

%d bloggers like this: